its been a long time since i've had a good wardrobe malfunction. i'd like to think that i'm little older and more together but i'm sure it has more to do with the fact that i wear pajama pants half the time. not getting dressed for work everyday reduces the odds. it also means i'm out of practice. things that would've been on my mental checklist when leaving may not be so obvious anymore. my sartorial spider sense may be tingling but i ignore it. as i said, out of practice. like last week when i said to shawn as i was leaving to run errands, "i think these tights are done."
yes, shana, those tights were done. they were done being tight. they were done being tights. they just wanted to fall to the floor and find their way to hoisery heaven. which is exactly what they decided to do. at the library.
the elastic at the waist was going. i was having to pull them up more than usual as i set out on my errands but whatever, i'd get my errands done quick, go home, take them off and hopefully toss them. i say hopefully because i have been know to put seemingly unwearable tights in the laundry and then absent-mindedly put them on in a pinch. i wish i could say this hasn't happened more than once. i wish.
i knew what was happening to these tights was different when i got out of the car to go into the library. i was wearing a short skirt and it was a bit breezy. i adjusted myself, thought i'd fixed it, and went on my way. i walked into the library and the person sitting behind the front counter gave me the once over.
in addition to wardrobe malfuctions, i am also used to judgy stares from library staff. if i prayed to saints, my patron saint would be "our lady of perpetual library fines." you know, if i wasn't jewish.
anyway, that's why it didn't register completely that i should be praying to our lady of droopy tight until i was walking across the crowded lobby to the hold shelf and glanced down at my skirt and legs. the crotch was below the hem of my skirt. below the hem. oh my god. i tried to appear nonplussed as i approached the hold shelf. i got into the stacks and wiggled and writhed back into my tights. i took a deep breath, grabbed my books and went directly to the self checkout. the backside of the self checkout station. the side facing the wall. i figured if it happened again, well, i'd rather flash the wall than the entire room. and i did. oh yes i did. then, i flashed everyone driving down SE 39th as i RAN to the car.
once in the car, i readjusted and thought the situation was under control. so great was my confidence that i stopped at the weekly flea market at the eagles' lodge. the situation? so not under control. but i did buy some nice baubles for $3.
the worst part? climbing the steps to our front door while buses and bikes and dogwalkers and kids walked by. mortified. at least i was wearing cute undies.
i have hopefully learned my lesson. hopefully.