l'shanah tovah

rosh hashanah begins sunday night. i had to look that up. a few years ago, i could tell you when the high holidays were that year and probably the next. my life revolved around that calendar. 

i'll admit that i looked it up by going to the website of the synagogue i once worked for. i know, i know... but i knew it would be there and that i could snoop a bit into the current goings on. while i do, from time to time, hear from synagogue members who wonder how i'm doing, i rarely hear how the synagogue itself is doing. 

i recognized a few names and a photograph i took years ago on the website but that's about it. it seems like a different world from the one i spent so much time inhabiting. they've moved on. i'm not surprised. i have too.

not so much that i'd found a new congregation though. i've considered a few and i know i should join somewhere. unaffiliated jews, blah blah blah. it was the same song at every board meeting where membership was discussed. i believe in synagogue membership. i do. still, i'm wary.

so, sunday night while i'm not at services i'll be thinking of some of my favorite synagogue families. i'll be thinking about dorie and how we would sit outside the auditorium for a few minutes every single year, catching up from last year. i'll be thinking about eugene and all of my crazy checklists for him. i'll be thinking about JM and about how i would hold my breath each and every time he began a sermon, wondering if he was going to piss people off more than the year before. i'll be thinking of jamie and dinner at mrs. g's. for a very brief moment, i'll miss it and i'll wonder if i'm afraid a new synagogue will be just like BT or if i'm worried it won't be enough like it. 

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(no more) dressing room blues

i found myself in the dressing room at target today and i didn't hate it. most people wouldn't find this noteworthy but it is, in fact, a really big deal. to me.

i am a clotheshorse. or at least i was. i have a closet that is bursting at its seams and i don't wear most of it. many items are too big. some i've held onto hoping i'd find the time to alter them, others i just can't let go of. there's a black and white dress that i bought before my second to last rosh hashanah at the synagogue. i bought it hoping it would serve as armor, hoping that it would ward off inevitable drama. it was over $300 and it didn't work. i still really love that dress.

that was back in the days of disposable income and frequent retail therapy.  i occasional went out on lunch breaks and bought shoes. i often stopped on my way home on fridays and bought a new skirt for monday. maybe a new skirt would fix everything. it never, ever did. i was also gaining weight. food brought comfort in a way that shopping didn't. that made shopping more difficult - a tight zipper here,  a size increase there... 

so i would never try things on in the store. ever. because if i tried something on and it didn't fit, i would feel worse than i did before i walked into the store and my self esteem had already taken enough of a beating at work.

i think i always knew this but today i saw a cute blouse at target and thought, "i really like that but... what the hell size am i?" next thing i knew, i had five things in my arms as i headed into the dressing room. i knew i wasn't going to buy it all but i was curious and if i was going to get half naked for one shirt, why not? while i was trying 2 dresses, 2 blouses and a skirt on it hit me. i was looking at myself in the mirror and not hating what i saw. not even a little. it had been a really long fucking time since i'd stood in a dressing room, with their unflattering lights and mirror angles and looked myself in the eye. it wasn't awful. the skirt was awesome but too big and they didn't have my size. the dresses and shirts all fit but aren't quite my style these days. i returned it all to the racks.

i may not have a new skirt but i totally win today.  

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Two Confessions

#1. i want a cheeseburger. real bad.

i am on day 15 of a 21 day cleanse. this is the second time we've done this particular cleanse. i remember it being much easier the first time. 

maybe its because i was pms-ing when it started and i wanted salty snacks. then it was hot and i wanted a cold beer. then my period came and i wanted a cheeseburger more than anything else in the world. that feeling has lingered.

i think i've figured it out. we eat really healthy 90% of the time - green juice and smoothies, lots of salads, tons and tons of vegetables, all of it tasty. we eat leaps and bounds better than we did five years ago and we both feel much better. i've not cut anything out completely. i think its important not to label food as "forbidden" - at least for me. i'm the type of person who has to do the thing they are told not to do, go the place they aren't supposed to go, eat the things that are verboten. 

but this cleanse has rules. smoothie or juice for breakfast and dinner, tasty meal for lunch with no red meat, no dairy, no gluten, no sugar, no corn, no peanuts, no soy, no bananas... 

so, a cheeseburger. i don't even remember the last cheeseburger i had but because its on the do not eat list i cannot think of anything but eating a cheeseburger. 


#2. Since I've read the etire adulting archive, I can no longer leave the dishes undone. i wipe up all messes as they happen and i've thrown out a pair of undies with a hole and not put them back in the drawer after discovering the hole. i've found myself mopping the kitchen floor without it being disgusting, dusting even though i just did it last week and switching car insurance because the policy was up and i found a better price with a company with less shady dealings than progressive. i went to bed at a reasonable hour three times in the last week. the voice that i've assigned to the woman who writes adulting echoes in my head. i am confounded by the grown-up that is taking up residence in my body. she's kind of annoying. 

you know what though? that bitch that's always doing the dishes? she totally wants a cheeseburger too. 

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sticks and stones

i am more by the i am more project

so, all week i've had a constellation of pimples on my forehead. this wouldn't thrill me under the best of circumstances but since i'm growing my bangs out, i'm especially unhappy. a constellation of pimples. on my forehead. so yeah, that's a blast. 

but its not just the pimples. its my skin. since i was 11 my skin has been a problem for me. i bounced from dermatologist to dermatologist, trying medication after medication. some that made it worse and some that made me sick. i spent a year in high school with stomach aches because the medication i was on was working so well i couldn't see not taking it. i tried herbal remedies and expensive skin creams. it came and went in waves. 

until i was 19 and developed rosacea. another parade of doctors and treatments.

its hard to say which was harder on me - the kids who made fun of me in school for having acne or the adults that would stop me on the street to ask me "what was wrong with my face?"

my skin has actually been much better since i left my day job a year and a half ago. (stress is major trigger for rosacea.) breakouts here and there. this one is by far the worst.

the battering my self esteem took has taken years to partially mend. and so, weeks like this week, it all comes back.

and then today i read this post by margaret cho. it literally took my breath away. even re-reading it before i wrote this post brought me to tears.



we need to see the whole person. 

we need to not judge people based on their appearance. 

we need to not comment negatively on a person's appearance, even our own.  

we need to remember that we are awesome, no matter what we look like.

 i believe this to be true of all people but especially when it comes to girls. what we say MATTERS. girls remember. it will echo in their heads into adulthood. and everyone deserves to love themselves 100% so they can be 100% who they were born to be.

me? i'm getting there. i am so much freaking more than this constellation of pimples. let me tell you though, there are eight pimples in my constellation. if it doesn't go away soon i'm naming it.

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