cookoorikoo blog

i still watch grey's anatomy. i KNOW. everyone i knew who watched the show jumped ship ages ago.* like, 4 or 5 seasons ago. somewhere around denny's ghost or george's death or the shootings. ugh. i should've jumped ship after any of those events, all of which happened YEARS ago. nine seasons i've endured. nine. this is a remarkable amount of time to hate-watch a show. i've endured.

why though? why? every year i tell myself i'll stop and in august & september when i'm programming the tivo for fall tv, i somehow forget to delete grey's from the recording line-up. seriously. for five years i've told shawn that i was breaking up with grey's and then sometime in early october, he walked into the living room to find me watching it and looked at me like i'd farted the worst fart that had ever been farted. why do i do this to myself?

yes, i love bailey. and christina. and owen. and christina and owen. and really, owen. (have you seen dog soldiers? its one hell of a werewolf movie with a ridiculous ending and the handsome dr. owen hunt.) but its only because they are great at their jobs that i am willing to buy the drivel coming out of their mouths. seriously. remember when this show was good? it was so good. and then tonight was so silly in parts that i was yelling at the screen WHILE CRYING. because feelings. mostly about owen and christina. and then bailey. good gravy, what is wrong with me?

i also keep thinking that i've read that the show is ending. and when private practice was put out of its misery earlier this year, i was hopeful. but no, this show is never ending. its the neverending story only not good. because its NOT GOOD. also, no falkor. this season i swear i'd read this was the last season. its NOT. ugh. 

or am i wrong? is it still good and i'm just embarassed, like a 12 year old, because i like something my friends don't think is cool anymore? 

_{*i am sorry if you are still watching grey's and love it. i assure you that i am watching a show you gave up on years ago. i watch a lot of bad television.}

i felt really whiny about last night's post. then, i woke up feeling <whispers> better. the sun was shining. i could stretch like i normally would without wincing. i went for a run and was smacked in the face with the gorgeousness of spring in portland. everything isn't the worst. FINE. i'll admit it.

so, here's a list of things making me happy at the moment:

• there is a tree bursting out each and every window of my house. plum trees, cherry trees, giant lilac bushes. awesome.

• quentin tarantino. shawn & i went to see django unchained a couple of weeks ago. i then sent kateri this review: "the movie was like all quentin tarantino movies. it started and i got sucked in by the music and the words. oh, the sentences that these characters did speak. some of them were downright swoony. somewhere in the middle of the movie, my stomach turned and i was very uncomfortable. then the tide turned, someone mentioned a tasty beverage, the violence became cartoony and i was happy again. fin. (and like all quentin tarantino movies, i'd see it again.)" and i did. also, i admitted to kateri that when i am watching a quentin tarantino movie i kind of want to make out with him. he's sweaty, manic and ordinarily unattractive (to me) but his movies make me forget all that. smart is sexy. the sexiest actually.
• shawn. he's been a rock star while my arm rendered me useless. plus, he's also only occasionally sweaty, never manic, super smart and always attractive.
• my new phone case. annie posted a pic of hers on instagram and i, well, busted a move and ordered one immediately. i am no longer a regular subscriber to the cult of retail therapy but this one time i had to and it totally worked. this phone case makes me stupid happy. as my friend, kyle, wisely pointed out, we can all use a steady reminder to bust a move. also, in my email this am was a coupon code from kate spade saturday, good today and tomorrow on everything. you know, just in case you're like my friend becky from high school who saw my picture and had to have one.

• this video. i watched an american in paris 4 times over a 2 day rental period and watched this scene again and again. its just so happy. and then at 4:37 he does something that leaves me completely speechless.

• my friends. they are awesome. everyone's been checking up on me and i've gotten a few sweet gifts in the mail this week. i owe so many people thank yous. thank you isn't even big enough in most cases.

i could keep going but honestly, my arm is starting to hurt. that's the worst.

before monkey died, our friend and shawn's former bandmate died. after monkey, shawn's aunt and cousin both passed away. too much.  sadness on top of sadness but i've been mostly doing ok. mostly.  

i am out of practice.

i was working a lot - that helped. then, got it into my head that i NEEDED to change all my shop photos and needed to do it immediately. what i really needed was a distraction so, i went with it. in 48 hours i took and edited 2500 photos, and then i spent a day replacing photo after photo in my shop. yeah, about that...

i know better. i used to work 40+ hours a week at a desk and computer. i haven't in almost 3 years. my body isn't up for that nonsense but i did it anyway. out of practice. last tuesday night my body said "fuck YOU." i had neck/shoulder/arm pain like nothing i ever experienced. i couldn't sew, type, write, wash dishes, stir food, wash my hair, put on my shoes. i spent 3 days in bed, whining and watching cartoons on netflix. i forced myself to go out twice over the weekend and each time i came home in tears. i spent sunday watching adventure time and trying to work. i worked only 15 minutes of every hour (one episode) and it went ok. i made a salad. progress. monday was similar - replace cartoons with 30 rock. tuesday, i did some more work, watched more liz lemon, left the house for tap class and a movie. no tears. more progress.

so, i work, ice, stretch, nap, try to do things around the house and try not to get to frustrated with myself for either causing this injury in the first place or for not feeling 100% yet.  i'm trying not to worry too much about my to do list - which includes things like returning texts and emails. typing sucks. typing this post has taken days. so, if you're waiting for a response, its coming. eventually. i promise.

on monday, liz lemon said, "everything is the worst." i hear you, liz lemon. i hear you and, this week, i agree. 

so, i've been a little sad. instead of coping with a steady stream of pie, wine and naps, i've been ignoring the dishes. you have to understand, since i discovered adulting last year, i won't go to bed with dishes in the sink. waking up with a clean sink has been a delight. so, one meal passed, then two... yesterday was day two. more than once, i passed the kitchen sink and thought, "i should do the... NO YOU SHOULDN'T. FUCK THE DISHES." this morning, i woke up and when i walked into the kitchen and saw the full sinks, i though, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? just do the dishes already." yet, i didn't actually do the dishes until about an hour ago. i don't know if its because the kitchen is where i miss monkey the most or what; i just didn't want to do the dishes.

i sat down to watch modern family*, having passed through the kitchen and, once again, ignoring the dishes. i sat down, paused the tv and forced myself to get up and do the dishes. i looked at the clock and 8 minutes later, i was done with the dishes. eight minutes. i put my pajamas on, returned to the couch and watched some tv. i had paused it just long enough that i was able to fast forward through most of the commercials for the rest of the night. 

its the little things. 

*what is up with me and the sitcoms? this is a fairly recent development. i was snobby about modern family for a few seasons and now i love it. don't ever get me started on the neighbors. its my favorite new show and i can't even talk about the season finale. mainly because it means no new neighbors for months. 

shawn came home this monday night. often when he, or we, go away, he'll say "right! we live here," when he's back trying to get into the groove. he said it again one day this week and followed it up with, "but we are different."

i've been trying to write this post for awhile now. i can't. the words aren't coming. i love her and i miss her and it sucks right now. it will eventually suck less, i know. but it will always be different. i lost my shadow and i'm different because of that. i need to be ok with that. i need to be ok with not finding the right words. i need to cut myself a little bit of slack. i miss my dog. we miss our dog. we are different.

Yo La Tengo covers The Supremes

things got ugly on the internet this week. ugly and mean. the steubenville verdict was announced and things went a little bat shit crazy. trolls EVERYWHERE. i spent a bunch of time yelling at my computer screen on monday. sometime that afternoon i decided to take an internet break because otherwise i was going to lose all faith in humanity.  i did my shop update and then vanished. i made things, did some cleaning, hung out with monkey. it was good. all that time i was thinking about writing a blog post about it. i spoke to monkey about it at great length. (shush. shawn's out of town and anyone who works at home knows that talking to your pets is totally normal behavior.) then, she died.

well, shit.

i started getting messages in all the ways one can send messages these days. old friends, new friends, family, former co-workers... someone from just about every part of my life appeared to say how very sorry they were, sincerely. a friend sent flowers. another friend dropped off flowers and cards her daughters made. so very nice. tonight there was a knock at the door. it was mars from lovebomb gogo, the marching band shawn is in. he hugged me and handed me a bouquet of flowers from the band.

why am i telling you all of this, universe? well, i'm deeply humbled. the universe is actually a really nice place filled with really kind people. no matter how shitty this week was, i appreciate the reminder. things are still hard but it has made it a great deal easier.

love,

me

after a perfectly lovely, perfectly normal day, my sweet girl had a massive stroke last night and died in my arms while i was on the phone with the vet. everyone knows how much i love her. most of you love her too. i often told her the internet had a crush on her but she just looked at me quizzically and wagged her tail. she had a few months of awful in the beginning, underfed and left by the side of the road. then she came into our lives. we loved her and squeezed her and called her monkey. she had ten good years with us and she deserves more than this short paragraph but it is about all i have in me at the moment. 

i miss her already.

shawn bought me she's so unusual on vinyl about a month ago and i've listened to it in the same manner i did in 1983. over and over and over again. i highly recommend it.

years ago, i watched this scene from gilmore girls. oy with the poodles already. that phrase comes up a few more times over the course of the show. oy with the poodles already. it usually meant "ENOUGH already!" it stuck with me, like funny things involving words often do. its a frequently heard sentence around our house when we're both feeling like there's too much to do.

so, last week we said it a lot. shawn was planning his trip back to chicago for johnny's memorial service and our old friend dave mentioned a retro gaming expo in milwaukee the weekend after the memorial. shawn is always game but would it be crazy to do it? is that too long to spend in chicago right now? can we pull this off? well, it is, we don't know yet and we did. with a lot of work. 

oy with the mother fucking poodles already. 

then, the day before he left i decided to start writing the first chapter of a new book. granted, its been bouncing around in my brain almost as long as the book i wrote in november and i knew someday i'd write it. i didn't think it would be before i finished editing the first book. i was excited, freaked out, exhausted and for my sanity's sake I am ignoring it for the time being. i wrote a chapter; i'll take notes as they occur to me; and someday, someday i will finish writing it. 

seriously poodles, buzz off.

in order to tame the poodles a bit, i've been taking it a little easy since shawn left. a couple of outings, some tv, a lot of reading, making things, a long run today - its been nice. tomorrow the poodles will start again. my list is ready and after a good night's sleep, i will be too.

oy with the poodles.