her blog

the weekend has all but vanished. i had a to do list longer than my arm and i made a conscious decision to blow it all off. and it was fabulous.

i checked off two items this past week. i've made big progress with this year's list.

 #9 - successfully make a layer cake. from scratch. without it falling. i can bake many, many things. a basic layer cake has eluded me for years. so, check.

#33 - take a leap. i'm taking two. so there.

thursday
i gave notice at my job. i started my job when i was 24. i was about to get
married and i had little or no idea what i wanted to be when i grew up. after
what seems like no time at all, i was given more responsibility, and eventually
a fancy title: executive director. it seemed, for a good long time, that i had
just happened into what i was going to be when i grew up and for a long time it
was good. stressful but good. rewarding in enormous ways, crazy-making in some.

somewhere
along the way, the scales shifted. i think it wasn't just at work - i think the
world's collective blood pressure went through the roof as the economy tanked.
people were having a hard time and the ground was shaking underneath all of our
feet.

making
things has always helped me cope. sewing, knitting, cutting, gluing... and
baking. after grandma died i found myself baking as therapy. the smells, the
clear cut directions, the joy of feeding people - it all helped heal my
heartbreak and as things became more and more stressful at work, i baked more.
challenging myself to try new things or to bake without the aid of a recipe.
and you know what? i’m good at it.

recently
when thinking about my future, it was becoming more and more obvious to me what
my future should be. and so a little more than 10 years after i started my job,
my job that i have really, truly LOVED, i’m moving on. i’m researching school
options, hoping that some friends who are bakers and who have been so
encouraging will not mind me hanging around in their kitchens, and figuring out
what this all means.

yes,
there will still be yoyos and rings – in case you’re wondering.

the
second leap is actually the more difficult one to wrap my head around.

forever
we’ve known that our winter days in chicago were numbered. the cold makes us
both miserable. also, we’ve both lived here almost our entire lives. so, a
change of scenery and climate were imminent. but we’d sworn it was going to be
new orleans. and then we went back to austin to visit friends last spring and we
thought we were home again. we also toyed with the idea of california after visiting there last summer.
what we realized was that the world was our oyster. we can go anywhere.

when we
went to portland in january, we fell in love with the place. also, we fell in
love with the life we want to build there with each other. so, portland. hmmm.
its still taking time for me to get used to that one but it sounds good right?
shawn & i are moving to portland in the fall.

i like
it. its different but i like it.

portland dreamers by shyama helin

(i owe a huge thank you to all my friends and family. i have been cranky, distant and just generally unpleasant while i was figuring all of this out. i'm equating what i've been going through with growing pains. so, i'm sorry if i was a bitch. and thanks for being awesome. also, i owe you a cookie. or a pie. or how about a layer cake?)

there's little shawn & i enjoy more than feeding people. for holidays. on casual saturday nights. breakfast for each other. we love cooking and we're good at it. last night was no exception. we had the crafty folk over for a potluck. shawn smoked a turkey. i made cheese dip and balsamic roasted beets with ricotta and pine nuts. i also made a meyer lemon curd tart with marionberry sauce and vanilla ice cream. everyone brought other yummy things to eat and a great deal of beer and wine was consumed. we had happy bellies and laughed. a lot. 

now, if only monkey would clean the kitchen for us.

i'm back from my trip and up too late, suffering from jet lag. so, i've been sorting photos from the trip. i took ALOT of photos. everything was so lush and lovely, it was hard not too. i'll admit to falling hard for oregon but more on that later. for now, i've posted a bunch of pictures to flickr. check them out here...

see you on january 15! xo

a few weeks ago i was starting to grow weary of the best of the decade lists that were popping up everywhere i looked or listened. then it hit me, the best of the DECADE.

ten years have passed me by in the blink of an eye. i started the decade at a party, wearing my favorite sweater, with shawn. a picture from that party is on my desk at work. we got married months later and time started to fly.

there were many weddings, and unfortunately a number of funerals. but there were also a lot of babies born. there were trips and parties and fights and new cars. there were friends lost but we made a few new ones. there were countless craft projects and baking experiments. hey, i really learned how to bake over the last decade. there was a dog, and another dog, and a new house. and somewhere in the middle of it all, i started this blog. there were some realizations and a few confessions and it was work. there were more than a few tears but there was also laughter and dancing.

a lot happened. and its no secret that the last few years have been hard on me or that i have been hard on myself. but when i think about it all as a part of a bigger picture, a decade, it doesn't seem so bad. it just feels like a life. i very full, very blessed life.

so, here's to 2010. and to the next 10 years.

this morning i had to stop for gas on my way to work. i pulled up to the pump at one of the citgo stations near my house, slipped my debit card into the thing, and pressed the regular button. as i was reaching for the nozzle, diesel started to pour from the sky. onto me. a little like the pig's blood in carrie. yeah.

so, a man at the next pump went running into the gas station to yell at the attendant to turn off the pump. i screamed and moved quickly away from the downpour. i then darted back toward lola (my beloved scion xa) to shut her door. i then went inside the gas station to find out why it hadn't stopped. 

at this point i am soaked and freezing and thoroughly freaked out.

i am also really concerned for everyone around me.

the man behind the counter looked at both of us like we were insane. he then wandered away with the cordless phone in hand. he returned and told me i would need to MOVE MY CAR before the fire department came. WAS HE COMPLETELY INSANE? lola was standing in a pool of fuel. no f%&$ing way was i starting my car. he then wandered off again with his cordless phone.

i walked back outside to start, slackjawed at my car and wondered if my very own final destination moment had begun.

a fire department truck pulls up and a man in uniform jumps out, runs toward lola and then toward the building. i follow him inside and he's shouting questions at anyone who will answer. what happened? why wasn't it turned off? where was the attendant? he walked right up to the counter, yelled for the attendant and when there was no answer he went behind the counter, pressed a button and off went the pump. thankfully, he was just driving by and thought, "that's not right" when he saw the waterfall of fuel.

up pulls a fire engine and two police cars. the firemen give me a blanket. one starts asking me questions. they clear the lot and start hosing everything down. they needed to move lola out of the way so she was manhandled by 5 men which i'm fairly certain she enjoyed. they then hosed her down. i followed a police who was asking me questions inside where he and another officer tried to clear the gas station out while they told the attendant that he needed to lock up.

i went back outside with the police officer to finish up. he glanced at my bumper and then back at me and said, "do you make stuff? what do you make?" i said huh? he pointed at my etsy bumper sticker and said, "etsy. my girlfriend makes jewelry and i keep telling her to try etsy." awesome.

also awesome: i didn't catch fire.

there are many more details - some terrifying and some completely ridiculous. these are just the highlights and i know i sound flip but trust me, i get it. this was a big deal. i was, and am still a little, shaken up. there was so much yelling at the gas station. there was the smell. and the drenched clothes. and all the horrible what ifs. there were the conversations with everyone at work about what happened. and then a conversation with a lawyer at the urging of everyone at work. there was a shower, and the need for many more showers. then there's the gratitude for that fireman being in the right place at the right time. and more gratitude to the other firemen and police officers. 

i've said it before and i'll say it again, i'm a lucky, lucky girl.