for the last couple of weeks, i've been trying to edit the book. i'd been working on it little by little all spring but everytime i did, it stressed me out. at some point, in an effort to force myself to just finish the damn book, i told twitter that i wanted to be writing book 2 by july. fuuuuuuuuuck.
so, i forced myself to work on it with the deadline looming. i had stress dreams on the days i didn't write. i was jumpy until i finished that day's chapter. it was no fun. seriously.
i did a million other things. pulled all the weeds. combed pinterest for new salad recipes. (i wish i were kidding.) read all the books. came up with fun new projects. made jam. went away with each of shawn's bands for a weekend. yeah. avoidance was the name of the game and i'll tell you, i got skills.
this weekend, lovebomb gogo was playing honkfest in seattle. kateri & i took the opportunity to get the heck of out dodge and went along. we had a ridiculous amount of fun. i also admitted that i was avoiding working on the book and that i knew i needed to cut it out and get to work.
so this morning i did. i got up, wrote in my journal, went for a run, then read everything i'd edited so far. oh shit. those four chapters that i just wrote? the ones i mapped out back in november when i realized i'd made a terrible error in my timeline. yeah, those chapters. they SUCK.
i spent a good long while thinking about that and trying to figure out how to fix it. they totally sucked. those chapters were awful. i don't know if i was still super sad about monkey when i wrote them or what but they sucked. i think i knew it all along. i knew they did and yet it was ok. i'd already started to fix it in my head and i'd remembered something important.
this was what tripped me up when i wrote my first novel. i developed a paralyzing fear of sucking. now, i realize sucking is just a chance to get better.
i took some notes on my ideas on how to fix those chapters. i stared at the computer screen. i did the dishes. i fed my sourdough starter and harvested some lettuce. i did all the things but write. the entire time i was thinking things through. would my idea really work or would these chapters just suck again? i was pretty sure they wouldn't suck.
i also decided that processing sucking took a lot out of me. my brain was tired. i was pretty sure if i tried to write, it wouldn't be any better than the shit i'd already written. so, tomorrow i'll start to rewrite those chapters and i'll see what happens. fingers crossed.
oh and i think the rest of it, what i wrote back in november, is pretty good. huh.